16 March 2011

Another thing to add to the reasons why my life sucks

So over the last week I think I've started to develop panic attacks.  Like M.E it's one of those subjects which people argue over, but having had a friend that's had both I can catagorically confirm they excist, at least for her they do and that's all that really matters when it comes down to it.  I'm finding it quite hard to accept because I like to think I am, or was, quite a strong character and I feel as though I'm becoming more and more pathetic by the minute.  For some reason this week I've been finding it harder and harder to spend time away from my house/ a place where there's a bed and bath readily available.  You see having a bath for me is my first port of call, it generally seems to help most of my ailments especially my Restless Leg Syndrome, which is what has come back with avengance this last week having have a good few months off from it due to new medication.  Now you may be reading this and thinking Restless Leg Syndrome sounds ridiculous and I guess it kinda does but I can assure that I would choose the WORST kind of pain over the restlessness.  It is the worst thing imaginable. I imagine being addicted to drugs (which some doctors argue that I am, but thats another story!) and desperately needing another hit. It does exactly what it says on the tin and isn't limited to just your legs, it can be all over.  I think most people have experienced it a bit when you're really tired, or when you're trying to get to sleep on a really hot night or when you have a bad trip when taking narcotics.  Your clothes feel itchy, an itch you can never sufficiently scratch, sometimes it's been described feeling like water running down your legs. Your brain is screaming move your legs but the second you do it screams again and again. I understand all these things do sound quite absurd but I cannot adequately describe the pure frustration and fear of 'what if it doesn't stop?'  I have said many times to people who've been around me when it happens that I want to die.  I'm gonna stop talking about it now because it does sound dramatic and I'm off to my boyfriend's house, where there is a bed and a bath so fingers crossed I'll be ok.
If you want to know a little more about my story read my first post here.

I'm listening to: 'Day Tripper' cover by Type O Negative (that's as much of the Beatles as I can handle!)

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